how to say good bye?

I never had a twisted balloon bear. Every time I see the clown making the bear for children, I wish I can have one. But end up walking away, leaving disappointment feelings in me.

That day, I walk to the clown and asked for one. Thanks for my friends that did not laugh at me, thanks for the kind hearted clown that promised to make one balloon bear for me, despite he was busy at that time, surrounded by children that laid their eyes on the clown desperately, as if the bear was what they've long for. The clown doesn't look tired, he kept smiling even he had his smiling face painted on him, perhaps he feels like a hero that brings happiness to the children.

I was very happy to have a twisted balloon bear. That feeling was so simple. Merely like a child gets his favorite candy. Guess this is me? Feel happy over small things in life. I held the bear gently as I walk around the mall. A balloon bear really makes my day, everything that I see was so beautiful. Yet, happy moment do not last forever in life. This is an inevitable fact. The balloon bear wants to leave me after a bursting sound. No matter how I took good care of it, it still wants to leave me when one of its arms burst. But I did not ditch it but tried to fix its shape. And so, bear stays with me.

I brought back the bear and kept it nicely in my room on my desk. It still put a smile on my face when I see it, it was my first balloon bear. But it shrank day by day. Like an old man dying slowly in his death bed. Time flies and brings the bear along the journey. I guess everything in life is leaving us, sooner or later. It's just a matter of time.

This reminds me of my greatest fear. I recalled a saying of "Nobody has the chance to choose their parents in life". This is what Mr. Wong SP told me. I was born in a lower class family. My parents are not educated and so they are unable to guide me and my sister on important decisions in life such as education and career. But the love that they offer is strong enough to help us through tough times. Since young I understand that my parents got married late and their age is elder than my friend's parents. When I start to understand what death is, I am very afraid to think that my parents are going to leave me anytime especially they are already aging. Whenever I see them asleep, I will stop for a few seconds to make sure they're still breathing. This fear started since I was young.




Still, I consider myself as fortunate to have this pair of parents. I love them so much. I like to watch how my father munches his biscuit with not many teeth left in his mouth, sitting on the rocking chair, taking a sip of his cup of black coffee. Papa will always offer me his biscuit when he sees me watching him. And I've took a photo of this sweet moment without his notice. He doesn't even know there's a built-in camera in hand phone nowadays. Look at his smile, how he look at me and offer me that biscuit. My sister always says that my dad love me more since young. I still remember how I like to tag along when he goes out, riding on his motor bike. I will sit at the front of the motor bike at that time, land my small feet in the basket in front. And when Papa ride the motor, as if he's hugging me, protecting me. I like to look at the back of his hand when he's gripping the handle tightly. I feel so secured. Papa was like a hero of mine, nothing will harm me when he's around.


Time flies and Papa is now 70 years old. Many people will think he is my grandfather. This perception was presumed by many since I was young. When he brings me out, the person in the petrol station or the person in the food stall where Papa used to brings me will ask him: Is she your grand daughter? And he will answer with a smile, saying: She's my youngest daughter.


I have a wish, a wish to bring Papa to go to China, a place where he always wanted to visit. The only fear that will fail me from bringing him to travel is time, his age. He has not much time left and the furthest place that he has been is Singapore where my mother's family are living. I have come to understand that the world is so big, so many things are there for us to explore. The saddest thing that can happen to a person is to think the world is indifferent. They have no chance to see the culture of other country and the beautiful scenery that this world has offered. I hope god will give me more time. Don't bring away my father like you do to my balloon bear. I haven't told him enough how much i love him, I haven't repay his love, haven't make him smile enough. And most of all, I do not know how to say good bye...